Making Relationships Work

Making a relationship work is sometimes a complicated thing, some just seem to be headed for doom, while others work just so easily that the partners don’t even realize that relationships are chaotic except for one or two instances, which is normal. The first mistake you can make to suffocate yourself all through the entire time you are in a relationship can happen right as you make the choice; a simple mistake here, and you are done.

Don’t make choices out of fear: So many times people either choose a partner or stay with someone in an unhappy relationship predominantly out of some kind of fear. Usually that fear is being alone but fears can vary widely from person to person. It’s often better to be alone and wait for the right person than to make a decision out of fear. Making decisions out of fear leads to confusion, anxiety and a general feeling of something being amiss.

Throw out your checklist: Many people have extensive lists of what qualities and traits their ideal partner has to have. If you box yourself in to a checklist you may miss out on some great matches for you. It’s almost impossible to find a perfect checklist partner, and when we think we have found it we throw all caution to the wind and disregard some not so desirable qualities. A great relationship has emotional compatibility. How does the person make you feel as opposed to what does this person look like on paper?

Find someone you can be yourself around: This may sound clichéd but it’s true. Picking a partner where you feel like you can be 100 percent yourself with no judgment and complete acceptance is a wonderful and liberating feeling. In life it can be difficult to find venues where you can truly be yourself. A relationship should be your safe and comfortable place where you don’t have to keep a mask on.

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There are some behaviors which seem out rightly unacceptable, and yet they are all over the place, partners keep complain of one kind of mishap or the other. But what brings about such a way of doing things? Well, there are a number of causes, psychological, habitual, you name them; but these behaviors should be avoided at all costs.

You Have Too Much Togetherness

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re now joined at the hip or that you no longer have any need for time on your own. In fact, it’s more important that you both get some alone time than it was before you started dating. There is no better way to smother the flames of romance than to squeeze every single ounce of togetherness you can out of life. Think of it like two rats in too small of a cage; eventually they end up trying to kill each other. All of those petty little irritations and annoyances have a way of building up over time; if you don’t have some sort of a release valve, you can quickly find that your love has been replaced by bitterness and resentment for smothering the life you used to have.

You’re not putting the Work In

This is the opposite end of the spectrum from too much togetherness: you’re treating your significant other like a roommate, not a partner.  You’re acting as though the relationship can sustain itself without any active input from you while you’re busy focusing on your interests and plans. The problem, of course, is that you’re living like you’re single again when you’re not. You’re part of a partnership now and that means that you can’t just do your own thing without considering others.

What We Have Here Is Failure to Communicate

You’re talking but you’re not really saying anything. There’s a whole lot of talking going on but not a lot of actual communication. A successful relationship lives and dies by being able to say what you feel and making sure that you’re actually being understood.

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Personality issues, habitual aspects, wrong mentoring…, there are many ways people develop negative aspects that can really be detrimental to any relationship. What counts when partners come together is to understand what they need to avoid to keep each of them content. Trust and effective communication can get the relationship going smoothly.

Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.

Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise you are only going to eventually push that person away.

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